Selection drama? Late dropouts? Questionable levels of man-flu? Didn’t matter. Captain Mule clip-clopped into action like some noble steed of organisational majesty and somehow assembled a Folkestone Sevens side that not only functioned but delivered a seven-goal masterclass of pure entertainment.

The tone was set early when Reedy decided gravity didn’t apply to him, burned the baseline like a man chasing the last bus home, and cut the ball back to Carter. Carter, in turn, casually took it on the reverse and roofed it with the confidence of someone who wasn’t passing that day. Moments later, Folkestone won a short corner; Carter stepped up with the subtlety of a pneumatic drill. One run, one smash and one very sad Gravesham keeper: 2–0.

Gravesham, propping up the table but surprisingly well organised, tried to hit back, their young centre forward spinning like a top and looking to weave through the pitch, only to be repeatedly thwarted by the sturdy, experienced backline of the Sevens backline. Crab combined sliding, gliding, and “composure” to mop up danger, while OG, channelling Ali G in da house, scratched away any attack attempting to drop a beat in our circle.

Then came the third: Carter picked the ball up outside the D, dribbled the baseline like he was trying to escape from his responsibilities, and squared it for Borris, who calmly placed it neatly into the bottom corner. Lovely finish. Very responsible adult behaviour.

Goal four? Ah yes, the “creative interpretation of hockey rules” goal. A blend of Messy’s skills, ricochets, a brief existential crisis from a defender, and then a backspace smash that made absolutely no sense but counted all the same.

Goal five saw Carter take another short corner, dribble past two defenders who looked like they’d accidentally wandered onto the pitch from a dog-walking route and lash a flick into the roof. Clinical, if perhaps slightly rude. And then, not content with ruining Gravesham’s afternoon once, he slapped in goal six from yet another short corner. Bottom corner. This was now a storm that Gravesham were looking to mitigate the damage it was wreaking.

And then, for the finale, Carter fired a shot the keeper actually saved… briefly. The rebound fell kindly, Carter reclaimed it, meandered around the keeper like he was browsing in IKEA, and then flicked it into the roof for yet another goal. At this point Gravesham’s backline might as well have signed the match ball.

Meanwhile, Luce, struck down by a heroic strain of man-flu, somehow became the official team photographer, capturing moments, angles, and probably three pictures of his own thumb. ‘Well-Played’ Riley put in a shift, Pricey notably stayed on his feet for longer than anyone thought physically possible – although predictably did take a tumble, ripping open freshly healed scabs from last week’s sliding frenzy. Gizmo zipped around like someone had swapped his pre-match drink for rocket fuel, and AI Bonzio took a rare break from producing digital sorcery to engage in actual running.

Carter, clearly bored of scoring goals that made sense, decided at one point that a one-on-one circle attack was far too straightforward for a man chasing a double jug. Instead of slotting it past the keeper like any rational human, he opted for the slowest shot ever recorded, dribbling toward goal with the pace and menace of gentle waves lapping against the Harbour Arm. The keeper had time to think, breathe and still the ball somehow oozed into him like it was apologising on the way through. A masterpiece of anti-finishing.

As the minutes ticked away, in a rare foray opponent foray, skipper Mule, after being used as target practice by the visitors to pepper his shins and feet with bruises, spotted the imminent danger, clopped his way back down the pitch and, as a lone last man, swept the ball off the line to spare keeper Milk Tray’s blushes and maintain his clean sheet for the game.

A big win, a bigger laugh, and seven goals that ranged from sublime to “how on earth did that even go in?” Folkestone 7s march on — fuelled by chaos, creativity, and Carter apparently trying to win every scoring trophy ever invented.

We caught up with the jubilant home Skipper in the post-match press mêlée for his thoughts on the game: “Today we were determined to have a cleaner, more clinical and structured game than the farce that was last week’s away venture. And boy, did we. Everyone showed up and did their talking on the pitch…also this week we welcomed seasoned veteran Dave ‘Obi-Wan’ Brazier to our ranks to fill in for the AWOL Jonno who got himself lost in a paint pot, apparently. He slotted in well into what’s now a well-oiled formation. We composed ourselves well and, without taking anything away from our opponents, we dominated throughout. Carter’s goalscoring was prolific and, if anything, he needs to give others a sniff on goal otherwise his pocket will take as much damage as the back of the net!

And, as an added bonus, our two nearest rivals dropped points as they drew their respective matches, so that’s given us some breathing space; however our biggest challenge is just around the corner with Sittingbourne next week. Despite the scoreline, here’s no easy games in this league and we’re taking each game as it comes, but next week’s should be a real barnstormer – bring it on!”