Another WhatsApp group. Another season. A new voyage, but this time it is aboard HMS Storm the League.

And for the opening fixture of the 2026/27 campaign, newly installed skipper Scott Minister had rolled the dice. The Pest Controller dealt his cards.

There were league debuts in SE Invicta 2 for Joel Davison and Alex Cross, with Will Paine between the sticks. The rest looked reassuringly familiar. Sutton and Spaf at centre back. Stone and Stone either side. Scotty in the middle. TJ and PK inside. And ahead of them, a front three carrying all the subtlety of a brick through a window: Lorcan Doyle, Mini Ireland and Finn Letley. Ably supported by DI Shaw, Jimmins & Joel.

The pre-match rituals perhaps needed some work.

The playlist had received a significant summer upgrade, but otherwise there was an unusual sense of calm in the Optimist dressing room. Confidence? Complacency? Arrogance, perhaps. Understandable given the 7-1 swashbuckling against the enemy just 2 weeks prior.

At the other end of the pitch, Maidstone looked eager in their warm up. Professional. Organised. Drilled.

Perhaps they knew what was coming.

We certainly did.

Pushback.

Lorcan to Scotty.

Scotty to Ben Stone.

Stone to Mini Ireland.

Ireland...

Bang.

1–0.

Seventeen seconds.

We might have underestimated quite how much fun this was going to be.

Nine minutes in and Ireland had his second, applying another neat finish after an Optimist drive along the baseline. TJ and Stone B involved.

By the 23rd minute, he'd completed his hat-trick. Ireland jnr.

3–0.

The young Padawan was making SE Invicta 2 look embarrassingly easy.

Two minutes later, Lorcan decided he wanted in.

The precise details have already been lost to history, but knowing Lorcan, we can safely assume subtlety wasn't involved, and a big old WHAMMY was.

4–0.

Then, on 29 minutes, Sam Ireland surveyed the situation, realised his own son was considerably better at hockey than him, and decided he'd better do something about it.

Penalty corner. Big Ireland converts.

5–0.

Half-time.

What exactly do you say to a hockey team that's five goals up after 35 minutes?

"It's nil-nil, lads."

"Keep your foot on the gas."

"We want ten."

Hairdryer treatment?

Whatever was said, the Optimists came back out with even hungrier eyes.

And then Lorcan Doyle did something movie-worthy.

PK picked out a cutting cross-field ball towards Doyle on the right. Lorcan collected it around 45 degrees from goal, at the edge of the D, looked up and absolutely walloped it.

Top-left stanchion. The goal itself looked visibly shaken, even afraid.

He hit it so hard that the ball went into the goal and bounced back out before Maidstone had registered what had happened.

We've only played one game and we may already have our Goal of the Season contender.

Six-Nil.

The Optimists were purring now.

Next came Alex Cross.

Ben Stone drove hard along the baseline before cutting the ball back 90 degrees. Classic, training-ground stuff. Cross arrived and deftly flung it towards the left corner.

Post and in.

7–0.

A league debut goal for Cross and another beautifully worked Optimist move.

And then, somewhat unexpectedly, Maidstone started to have a go.

For around five minutes the visitors enjoyed sustained possession, pushing both centre backs high and camping just outside the Folkestone 25.

HMS Storm the League briefly encountered rougher seas.

But the response was simple. Protect the middle. Step out. Push them backwards.

The blue wall held firm. There would be no leaks in Scotty's ship today.

And unfortunately for Maidstone, pushing that many bodies forward while seven goals down does tend to leave a bit of lawn behind you.

A quick sideline ball was launched crossfield towards Cross.

Chance.

Finish.

His second of the afternoon.

The Beach Boys' eighth.

8–0.

Maidstone might reasonably have expected the Optimists to show mercy.

Unfortunately, there was still an Ireland wandering around the D with a taste of goals. Like a predator, toying with it's prey. Ten mins left on the clock, mini Ireland made it 9-0, striking his fourth of the afternoon.

9–0.

At this point, a slowly growing Three Hills crowd began demanding blood.

"WE WANT TEN."

The Optimists tried to oblige.

And with the final play of the game, they very nearly did.

Penalty corner.

Great strike., goal-bound.

But Maidstone's skipper produced an excellent tip over the crossbar to preserve that final sliver of dignity. Single figures it stayed.

Full-time.

Folkestone Optimist 9–0 Maidstone.

A tough day for the Stones. An adequate one for the 'mists.

9-0 and top of the league. Not a bad way to announce your league intent on the opening weekend.

MAN OF THE MATCH - Arthur Ireland. Four goals.

DOUGHNUT OF THE DAY - Arthur Ireland.

Four goals apparently weren't enough entertainment, so Mini Ireland also decided to whack the Maidstone centre back well after the whistle. Lucky lucky boy. No card and a great mystery of our time.

MoM, DotD, 4 goals. The Arthur Ireland Experience™️.

And so HMS Storm the League has officially left port. Full steam ahead.

Next destination: the Medway towns. Holcombe 5s away.

A fixture that requires little motivation after last season's away bed-wetting cost us the league and promotion.

We haven't forgotten. They haven't forgotten. They're in for a tough weekend and an absolute hiding.

Allez. Les. Bleus. ?⚪

HMS STORM THE LEAGUE: P1 W1 GF9 GA0 GD+9.