What does Jack Timmins have for breakfast? Wrong. It’s Marden on toast. On Saturday, he spent 70 minutes carving them up like an all-you-can-eat buffet, and we're all here to dine on it.

Folkestone Optimists 3rd XI entered the uncharted territory of South East Division 2 Invicta, otherwise known as tier six of National League Hockey. A place where dreams are made, legends are written, and occasionally bizarre things happen.

Pre-Match

The omens weren’t good. A 9:45 meet felt ambitious, but throw in some thunder, lightning and rain to set the mood. Early DoD nominees were plenty, with Skipper Phil King parked directly under a No Parking sign at Three Hills, discovering the gates locked with his car inside. A strong tactical start. Followed by, Sam “Spaf” Ireland arriving without his hockey shoes. Disaster. Thankfully, his Crocs were swiftly deployed into “sport mode,” turning him from suburban dad into elite athlete in a single flick of the heel strap. Emergency shoes arrived swiftly, saving the 3s from the horror of watching Spaf attempt to tackle in gardening clogs.

First Half – Kane and Son, Son and Kane.

The opening was very even until King scuffed a shot towards goal. A Marden defender made an even bigger mess of it, bobbling it over his own sprawling keeper to hand Folkestone a 1-0 lead. Not pretty, but they all count.

Marden replied almost immediately after a defensive fumble under pressure gifted Marden possession in the Folkestone D. 1-1. Game on again.

That’s when the beauty pageant started. A gorgeous line ball from Folkestone's number 5, Jack “5hagger” Hagger released Harry “Salah” Rowe, who skinned his man and fired in a pinpoint cross. Enter Timmins, turn on a sixpence with his back to goal, ball into the roof of the onion bag. 2-1. Then the Kane-and-Son routine flipped: Timmins fed Rowe Salah, Salah scored, 3-1. Half-time, and the Beach Boys were cruising.

Who knew? Forwards that are in the D score goals. Groundbreaking stuff.

Second Half – Tim _mins_ Time

The midfield engine — Ball (league debut), Jones, Nicholls and the ever-running Minister — covered more ground than the average Deliveroo cyclist, while Sutton, Stone, Ireland and Hagger played rondo at the back. For 15 minutes, Marden looked like they’d forgotten they were 2 goals down, and seemed content sitting back at half-court and not chasing the game.

Naturally, Folkestone decided to make things interesting by gifting away some penalty corners. One was converted, 3-2, setting up a tense finale for the last 10 minutes.

But Timmins wasn’t done. The final 10 minutes were pure theatre: he parked himself in the corners, turned on the ball-hog mode, and refused to leave. Six solid minutes of protecting the ball like it was made of gold, and reducing Marden’s backline to furious hand-flapping. There was nothing they could do. Even when the 3s went down to 10 men, Timmins made sure the ball never left Marden’s corner. Some call it game management. Whatever its called, it worked.

Full Time – Statement Served

Final whistle: *Marden 2, Folkestone Optimists 3*.

Three points, first ever league win for the 3s at this level, nerves settled, and Timmins the apple bobbing winner.

No game next week thanks to a bye, so the 3s return on 4th October away to Blackheath. Pack your lunchboxes. The Beach Boys are back on tour.

Now then, what's for breakfast? Delicious.